Pools of sorrow..waves of joy..

From the moment of that phone call to tell me my daring Ma is dying ,I am launched into another realm. My feet walk the earth, but the whole of my being is suspended in this 'other place'. The hours before I can get on a plane to Sydney are a blur. I have one very strong moment of clarity..I am sitting in the North Hobart bookstore on a stool..filling in time with the boys until it is time to go to the airport.
I try to distract myself by looking at craft books...but end up just sitting. My thoughts are with Ma and I feel strongly moved to silently tell her not to wait until I get there..something makes me check the time on my watch...it is 7pm..
As we drive to the airport... Pie Jesu from Faure's Requiem is played..John turns it up and we are enveloped in the sweet calm it brings..

Translation

IV. Pie ]esu Treble solo Pie Jesu, Domine, dona eis requiem dona eis requiem sempiternam requiem

Merciful Jesus, Lord, grant them rest grant them rest, eternal rest.

I do not reach Sydney in time. My gorgeous Lucy jumps out of the car Paul is driving to run and find me,as there is a great traffic jam at the pick-up carpark. She breaks the news to me that Ma has gone..such a hard task that she handles with such gentleness.. (and has a cup of tea waiting for me in the car). How blessed am I to have these beautiful, caring young people with me.
At Mary Potter, Chris, Libby, Jane and Dewayne are sitting with Ma until I arrive...about 11pm.
She passed away just after 7pm.
Ma looks at peace tucked up under the patchwork quilt I made years ago, that used to cover Ma and Pa's bed at our family home at Croydon. (My niece Olivia with her baby son Ryan, has driven all the way from Bathurst with this quilt so she can place it over her Granny...she too, is just minutes too late...but the gesture is one that I will always treasure when I look back to that last hug I gave my Ma)

I rise early the next morning and gain great comfort walking up the hill to see the sun rise on a world that no longer has my dearest Ma in it.. life goes on...

Such a mix of emotions...becoming more and more anxious for Jess...hoping she will go into natural labor before Monday morning when she is due to be induced...and trying to come to terms that Ma is gone.
There are special family moments as time merges over the next few days..
My siblings are happy for me to have Ma's medallian of the Black Virgin from Rocamadour, France. I wear it from that moment and often clutch it to my heart throughout the next weeks..a great comfort.

I accompany Libby to visit Pa (who is not travelling well) and witness her gently telling him of Ma's departure from the world.
Tim bakes a batch of scones for us as we gather to reflect, organize and grieve..such a loving gesture.
Jane and I go up to Mary Potter and pack up Ma's possessions to bring home.. (a strange feeling of relief that Ma is no longer 'captive' in this place)
Shared conversation and memories with siblings...with loving support from Lucy..
Somewhat surreal meeting with funeral director.

I travel to Moree half hoping Jess will not be at the airport to greet me..she is there..It is so comforting to hug her.
She drops me off at my Motel and soon returns with a home cooked curry for my dinner..we farewell each other anticipating tomorrow is D-day...

I get a call about midnight from Jess...her waters have broken...what relief..we laugh..and I wish her well. (knowing what she will experience over the next hours...I know she will be forever changed..)
Early morning and I can't sleep. I get up and walk to the hospital and lay my hands on the wall of the maternity section...sending all my strength and positive energy to Jess.

The morning is long..
I walk to Heber St to have a cuppa with Aaron's mum, Karen.and she shares stories of Aaron as a baby/toddler...nice.
I  get update phone calls from Aaron and Jess through the day..things are progressing slowly.
I have early lunch in town and walk back to my room for a rest...all the while expecting news of the baby.. as the afternoon stretches on and I have an update..I realise that I cannot fly out on the evening plane..so change my flight to the morning.
I dose fully dressed ..praying to Ma to intercede for the safe delivery of my grandchild and the strength and health of dearest Jess..I wake in the night..and decide I may as well get under the covers..
I wake early in the morning...knowing that if 6am rolls around, Jess may have to undergo a Cesarean delivery as 24 hours will have elapsed... still praying...
The phone rings after 5 ..Aaron announces the birth of Benjamin Adam at 4.07am... both doing well..what a relief ! He offers to come and get me when I am ready as it is quite a walk to the hospital in the dark. It doesn't take me long to phone him back...

What a relief to see my tired darling Jess...and beautiful Benjamin.

Aaron's mum Karen, dad Mark and partner Linda all arrive and we delight in the joy of the new arrival.
We all have to leave Moree today for various reasons..
I borrow Aaron's car to go back to my Motel ,pack up and check out then back to hospital for a few more hugs and photos..

Then I must leave to be at the airport at 9 for the morning plane back to Sydney for Ma's funeral.

What a beautiful send off at the church..I think Ma would have loved the music, the Mass and Martin's moving eulogy..We meet for a cuppa and I am overcome by the combined efforts of all the grandchildren to cater in such a beautiful way...all contributing something special  to honour Granny.
So many people from so many places have come to commemorate Ma's life...she was deeply loved and respected...such a courageous, generous strong woman.

We smile and link arms at the cemetery as one of her favourite is played "The Long and Winding Road"
After the burial, the grandchildren lead a heartfelt "Amazing Grace" as a final gesture of love to their Granny..she would have been so proud to witness that moment.

What a bitter sweet day...to welcome my grandson and farewell my Ma...but somehow, truly wonderful to always think of their spirits passing as they 'cross the threshold ' into and out of this world.

The next day Martin, Gilly and I visit Pa. He gets up and is content to quietly listen to our re-count of yesterday's proceedings ..and to hear of Benjamin's birth.
That evening (at John's insistence...I fly back out to Moree . (Thank you John) Aaron takes me to visit Jess and Ben at the hospital..we stay 'til late..Aaron finds it hard to leave..
Benjamin is beautiful..

The following morning Aaron is up and away early to the hospital.
I am glad to just lie in bed..(feeling like I have been hit by a truck)
Jess rings to say they will be coming home today.
What a privilege to witness the first days of Ben's life at home with his parents.. (thanks Jess and Aaron).

I am grateful for the next couple of days... to just be suspended a bit longer in the 'other place' , watching Jess, Aaron and Benjamin is such a joy..holding my grandson leaves me unspeakably happy....then I stumble into another pool of sorrow..and reflect on the loss of Ma , but I have the time and space for special memories to drift through my thoughts and give me comfort. What a remarkable family I have..how incredible were all those small gestures that I witnessed over the past days...

On Saturday we undertake the journey to Sydney. I drive Jess and Ben in the Jeep while Aaron drives the ute he will drive in the  Royal Flying Doctor's fundraising trek in May (from Alice Springs NT to Margaret River WA..through the desert)
Our concerns for how 5 day old Benjamin will travel are soon swept away by the 'trek' of our own..
Aaron's windscreen shatters just out of Coonabarabran.

With a further 5 hours to drive, 4 degree temperatures with rain showers and flimsy exercise book cover plastic and duct tape we manage to get to Mudgee by 5pm.

We seek out a better plastic from Big W. A helpful assistant gives us a heavy plastic bag that had had beanbag foam balls in it.....Aaron and I set to work in the freezing rain taping this onto the car...only to find it is not transparent enough to see through...so I improvise a 'window' with the original flimsy plastic.

We arrive at Kenthurst after a marathon 12 hour drive...and Benjamin has traveled so well.. but now the fun begins as he is unsettled just at the time we are all exhausted beyond belief...

..the joys of parenthood..

After a broken night we surface.
The boys have to take their trek cars to be scrutinized...
Jess is expecting visitors to meet Benjamin ..

Dear Lucy and Paul come over to see Ben and drive me to the station.
I make my farewells and begin the long journey home...

So glad to arrive and be home with my boys..